1..2..3!

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke…….. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it’s over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is ‘1234′ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say ‘123′ for?

James Bond’s Special Watch

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What’s it telling you now?" "Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I’m wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing’s an hour fast."

What Size?

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I’ve never done this before. I don’t
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

BEFORE YOUR LOVE - Kelly Clarkson

Baby, this one’s for you. I don’t know how to sing this, but the wording is just… it’s like it came from MY heart. I didn’t know how to tell you how I really feel now that we’re together,  so here goes:

I wonder how I ever made it through a day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray
When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don’t know why and I looked into your eyes
Where the world stretched out in front of me and I realized

I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn’t really living
I never lived, before your love

I wanted more than just an ordinary life
All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky
I stand before you and my heart is in your hands
And I don’t know how I survived without your kiss
‘Cause you’ve given me a reason to exist

And I don’t know why
Why the sun decides to shine
But you breathed your love into me just in time

Frank Lee meets Honest Lee

Ignorance may be bliss, but he’s just so good at telling the truth! He’s man enough to face it.

The other day, his bestfriend, who for five years became his partner, sent a text message to him saying that he just broke up with HIS partner, and would he please, please come with him to Mango Square for some drinks, and maybe pick-up a guy or two. He took the time to tell me their story from the past, and simply requested to give him permission to go with his bestfriend.

He said he will remain faithful and will not, under any circumstances, flirt with anyone. I didn’t set that condition, he did! *sigh…*

Who was I to intervene from his responsibility as a friend and ex? So I said go ahead, but please be careful. I hope I didn’t make the mistake again by giving too much allowance for freedom. It’s his life, anyway, and he has complete license to do as he pleases, right?

He’s just so honest. And I admire him for being so honest to me. It’s so refreshing to experience such a rare quality as honesty in this masked, backstabbing world that we’re living in.

Baby, this one’s for you! ^_^

James Blunt - You´re Beautiful Lyrics

My life is
brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is
pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She
smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause
I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s
true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I
don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be
with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked
on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking
high,
And I don’t think that I’ll see her
again,
But we shared a moment that will last ’till the
end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in
a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

La la la
la la la la la la

You’re beautiful. You’re
beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she
thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to
face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Cows and Economics

 TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don’t have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology, France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan
for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100
years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times
the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
COWKIMON and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of
vodka.

MALAYSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You slaughter one for Hari Raya Puasa and the
other for Hari Raya Haji.
Just before that, both the cows were wandering
along the PLUS Highways.

PHILIPPINE ECONOMICS
You have only one cow.
So the government claims there is a shortage of
cows.
The government ask grants from other countries so
the country can produce more cows.
The other countries oblige.
The government divides the grants among
themselves, and blames the opposition of
corruption.
The people stage People Power 42.
The government is overthrown.
Then its back to the single cow.
 
pretty much true…

Virginity is not dignity…
it’s just the lack of opportunity.

-quote from a shirt. ^_^

Glenn e-mail trail

Di naman masyadong interesting, pero I’ll still post this. The shmuck. Kala mo kung sinong mang-shmooze ng tao. But, you gotta admire his style, pare, like he’s so smooth in using words to make bola to the person he’s "targeting"… Fuck him! Sideways! Wapak!

Shocks!!!! =P

My rest days are Saturdays and Sundays. My morning shift has been extended till jan15 as per recommendation of my doctor. My original shift is 8pm-5am tues-wed (restdays). I can’t afford to be on a graveyard shift as of the moment coz m still recuperating…

Urs is tues and wed, ryt? =)
===============================================
From: Francis Israel Balleras
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 12:02 PM
To: G**** M*******
Subject: RE: watup?

nah.. eyes kay gahi kaayo. that’s because my mom’s from tondo. she also has strict eyes.
cute bitaw ka! you go ask sher kung gadwell ba ko sa physicality sa tawo. this is the first time that i actually told someone na cute cya. most of the time i just dismiss how the other person looks like.
btw, what are your restdays?
===============================================
From: G**** M*******
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 11:54 AM
To: Francis Israel Balleras
Subject: RE: watup?

Hahahahahaha!!!!! That’s a joke, right? =)

me? Cute? That’s a laugh…

errrr…. U are too cute for words… ur smile….uhmmm.. radiant? Ur smile is ur asset as well as ur eyes… I mean it…
===============================================
From: Francis Israel Balleras
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 11:49 AM
To: G**** M*******
Subject: RE: watup?

not at all! hey you dont have to worry, ayt?

i’m not at all bothered. fact is, you’re cute! ^_^ ===============================================
From: G**** M*******
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 11:39 AM
To: Francis Israel Balleras
Subject: RE: watup?

Hahahahahaha!!!!! I was kinda nervous….. im a worrywart, you see…. Honestly.. im the most insecure person u will ever meet…. =) Hope I wasn’t a disappointment…. =(
===============================================
From: Francis Israel Balleras
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 11:35 AM
To: G**** M*******
Subject: RE: watup?

know what? i think you need to relax a bit. i could see your shoulders stiff with tension… hehehe…
don’t worry i wont bite! ^_^
===============================================
From: G**** M*******
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 10:56 AM
To: Francis Israel Balleras
Subject: RE: watup?

My cel got lowbatt. Automatic off cya kay lowbatt na kaayo.. Hin-send diay ka? Sayang.. I didn’t’ receive it yet. Sheila brought up this issue about u not knowing what to text me? Just say Hi.. as simple as that…. We have seen each other on the floor a hundred times and yet we don’t even bother giving each other a simple smile or a casual greeting…. =(
===============================================
From: Francis Israel Balleras
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 10:53 AM
To: G**** M*******
Subject: RE: watup?

Ahehehehe…. Received my txt msgs?
===============================================
From: G**** M*******
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 10:50 AM
To: Francis Israel Balleras
Subject: RE: watup?

Yep… unfortunately I am still stuck here in PS. I got off at 7pm.

We had a team eating at a friend’s apartment. I was supposed to go to
22nd Street but it was already congested. I’m also waiting for a friend here coz ill be staying at his house since we’re going out of town tomorrow.
===============================================
From: Francis Israel Balleras
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 10:46 AM
To: G**** M*******
Subject: RE: watup?

Ei! U still here?! What time’s ur off?
===============================================
From: G**** M*******
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2005 10:45 AM
To: Francis Israel Balleras
Subject: watup?

Hi Francis! What’s up?

I heard a lot of good things about you from Sheila. I also read ur blog courtesy of Mary Grace B****. Pretty impressive site you got there.

You got insightful posts and immaculate layout. Keep rockin! =)

Insubordinate Children

One of the problems of society today is the existence of street urchins. Street kids for most. Tambay. Rugby boys. You may see them as "mga walang kwenta". But I ask, "do you really see them?"

Several times, I had the chance to work with some of these kids. They’re fun to be with once you get to know them.

One of them was a  street kid who always stayed within the parking lot of McDonald’s Limketkai. He was very notorious with regards to begging for food, pissing off both customers and service crews, and generally wreaking havoc in Limketkai Center.

But I believe he’s just misunderstood. There were times when I didn’t give him food, but taught him things about customer service. I reprimanded him about the things that he did to other kids. Long story short, I showed compassion, not pity.

He was very responsive with the things that I showed him. Clearly, he lacked education. But he was like a sponge! Whenever I taught him things, he simply wanted more. He couldn’t get enough of the free lessons. Somehow, it was like having a little brother of my own.

But I don’t know what happened. One day, he didn’t show up. The security guard and I looked for him around the McDonald’s premise, but he wasn’t there. We just let it pass. The thing was, everytime there’s big activity in McDonald’s, he helped us set the stage, the kiosks, and anything and everything he can do to be noticed, to be acknowledged.

Events came and went. It’s been months since we last saw him. In a way, we missed him. His "barkada" didn’t give us any clues on his whereabouts. They said they didn’t know anything. Even bribery didn’t work.

Then news came that one of his friends died. His gang finally spilled the beans: he was beaten under the bridge, and left there. There’s no clear indication if he died or not. If he did, his body hasn’t been found yet.

I never expected to feel this way towards a street kid. There are moments in our lives when we just take some people for granted, then one day find out that they have gone. We suddenly realize that you have somehow created some kind of bond with those people.

Serendipity, Part II

Since the fateful meeting in Cagayan de Oro City, he and I texted a lot. I mean A LOT! Like I had to register to Globe’s Unlimitxt service!

His last text message to me was on the second of June. We already talked about his moving back to Cebu, since he was born a Cebuano, and he didn’t have anything in Cagayan de Oro anyway, and he was there, I’m here, that sort of thing. Going back to the topic, his last text was about his boat departing at 8pm. By 6am the next day, he would already be in Cebu. But I log off at 9am, so I can’t possibly meet up with him!

I waited for a message. I received none. Obviously, I got depressed. I gave up hope. I gave up love. I hope I don’t sound so mushy. It’s the truth. I gave him up. Anyway, who am I to expect a lot from him?

Tuesday, 13th of June. Wackow, Jen, Miss D and I went to Ow! and hung around a bit. Around 30 minutes after we settled, a guy walked by. Geez, he had the same shirt that "he" wore on our "date"! Coincidence? A sign? Then I looked at the guy’s face.

OMG! He was staring back at me! It’s him! The nerve…

I felt electrocuted (shocked, actually!) I stood up so fast I almost upset the table and drinks. I walked as quickly as I could to him and pulled him by his arm. I took him a couple of meters from the gang. He, too, was shocked to see me there (lucky for him he was alone… If he was with another guy… the nerve…) He told me about what happened. After disembarking from the boat, he rode a jeepney and his cellphone was snatched (uh huh, how convenient…) He said until now he wasn’t comfortable in riding a jeepney.

He quickly reprimanded me for not logging in to MU online to read his emails to my energy-elf character in the online game. So he had one trick up his sleeve. But I told him I can rarely go to an internet cafe and play the game since it’s not that popular in the city. He could have left a message in this stupid blog, anyway.

Acting as if nothing happened, we went ahead and picked up the pieces. First thing he asked after that was, "Do they know that you and I, you know?" Being the tactful plastic that I am, I told him, "Well, I really didn’t know if we were still an item, and if I was allowed to tell others." He said that we can tell my friends that he and I were… you know…

But I simply told the gang that he was my friend from Cagayan. It still weirds me out to introduce someone upfront that this guy that I’m with is my boyfriend *shudder*…

So here we are, we are now officially an item! Stupid love story… *shudder*…

Stupid Magician

Since when did black become death magick?! What kind of maniac would put black along the lines of death and anything negative?

Anyone who seriously studied the art of Magick would say black is the color of protection. It is the highest form of empathic magick. Why do you think mourners wear black clothes, or at least, black arm bands? Its purpose is to deflect negative energies and spirits from the wearer.

While performing a magickal ritual, wiccans (commonly known as witches) wear black robes to prevent evil spirits from taking over their bodies while connected to the collective. It functions as a "black hole", absorbing negativity so what’s left is the pure intention of the wearer.

The black conical hat of a witch also performs the same function. It gathers magickal energies from the elements from the focal point (the tip), and distributes it evenly downward to the caster. The hat gathers all the energies, then filters so that when distributed to the caster, only the pure and good energy is passed on.

On to another color. Green magic is for wealth. It is the earthy color, and anything relating to earth is for wealth. Remember earthly desires? It’s so basic, dammit! And just because green is the opposite of red in the visual spectrum, it doesn’t necessarily mean that green has to be love. You were just stupid to label red as war magick.

What stupid witch would perform "War Magick"? Stupid git. The wiccan mantra goes:

For the goodness of all,
and it harm none…

So obviously, war is not part of the wiccan circle. Wiccans have nothing to do with negativity unless it’s expelling it.

Here’s the right interpretation of the color spectrum in the wiccan circle:

Red - fire, passion
Orange - energy, power
Yellow - wind
Green - earth, prosperity
Blue - water, intuition, patience
Indigo - dreams, creativity, artistry
Violet - superconscious, mental agility

I am no great man, neither am I someone who has the propensity and sufficient dedication to be one. I live by what I believe in and stay away from what I don’t. I am imperfect, and neither is my thinking flawless. I have committed innumerable mistakes, most of which I am not very proud off. I know that I did regret and I did fall. However, as long as I cling on to my life and love with everything I got, I know I’ll see through the pages of time with my head held up high…

-Elessarzenith

Serendipity, Part I

Main Entry: ser·en·dip·i·ty
Pronunciation: -’di-p&-tE
Function: noun
Etymology: from its possession by the heroes of the Persian fairy tale The Three Princes of Serendip
: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for

Second week of May. That was my mom’s 60th birthday. Her age of retirement. Call it "the second coming". ^_^

On my 2nd to the last day in Cagayan de Oro, I was playing the online game MU with Christian and his wife. There was this guy sitting beside me. He kept asking me weird questions. I thought, is he trying to impress me? Hey buddy, two can play that game!

So I told him I used to work in this internet cafe. I always played MU when it was still in the local (Tsada) server. Whenever someone needed help in the game, they simply sent me private messages on their whereabouts. I’m the highest-ranking player in MU Tsada. He looked slightly abashed by that, but curiously, he also looked cute!

He said he needed to go ahead because he was going to the gym. Hmm, you have spunk, I’ll give you that!

But after a couple of hours, he came back. Same shirt and everything, I doubt if he really went to the gym. He didn’t even have his bag with him.

So he went near my pc station again, but someone was already occupying the seat beside me. So he went to the seat next to that. Hmm! Did you know that I can feel you stare from here? Hehehehehe!

Unfortunately, Christian’s wife, Angie, needed to go home since her mom was already looking for her (it was already past midnight). So I told the guy I needed to go already, and if he wants to play MU together for a party-hunt, he can just send me a text message. He didn’t have his cellphone ready, so I just got his number and stored it into my address book.

The next day, I sent him a message telling him I couldn’t play MU in Cagayan anymore. Hmmm. There was a note of sadness… anxiety… in his reply. Is this a sign? Can’t tell yet. Ok, so then let’s meet up somewhere. Why don’t you want me to go back to Cebu? He couldn’t give me a straight answer. Whatever. You’re cute, anyway! Hahaha!

Then it was settled. We went to see a movie (he had a text message saying "yung may mga uod sa CR… like, OMG, I thought he had another thing in mind!) It turned out that he wanted to watch the movie "Slither". Hah!

After that, we had a small talk about his recent break-up, and if I wanted a relationship with him, then… Well, I didn’t have a relationship to brag about, anyway, so why not? Talk about the rebound guy…

And finally, I had to go already since it was already 6pm and my boat departs at 8pm.

(to be continued.)

(Inhale) Inspired! *Sigh*

Memories

Photo[grapher]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I’m off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to…"

"Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies."

"That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure."

"Don’t I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh… equipment ?"

"That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?… Good Lord, she’s fainted!"

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An  office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual  to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he  found four people who were equally qualified — an American, a  Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.

He decided to call the  four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine  who of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four  sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is  the fastest thing you know?" Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT.  It just pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way;  it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know  of."

"That’s very good!" replied the  interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the  Russian.

"Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and  you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I  know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an  eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed."

He then  turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.  "Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the  wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across  the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is  the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very  impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.  "It’s hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

 Turning to  Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final  man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio  replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et’s ob yus to me  dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the  interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling  in their seats…

"Oh, I can expleyn sir,."  said  Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was  peeling bad and so I  run so fast to the CR, but before I  could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, ‘tang ina, sir, I had  alreydi shit in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter"  at Wal-Mart.

Super Girl Inday