Mommy Almost Died

August 10, 2006

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I’m afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles’ death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, ‘Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!’ and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."

Touching love story

August 9, 2006

I only know of one couple that fits to a ‘t’ and they’ve been married over 70 years… gives the rest of us a challenge..doesn’t it?

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say, I love you even more this year, than last year on this day. My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."

She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear. She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day. Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.

He always liked to do things early, way before the time. Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems and placed them in a very special vase. Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.

She would sit for hours, In her husband’s favorite chair. While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was to live without her mate. With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.

Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before, The doorbell rang, and there were roses sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock. Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.

The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain, Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said, "I knew you’d call, and you would want to know.

The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance. Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order, that I have on file down here, And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year.

There also is another thing, that I think you should know, He wrote a special little card… he did this years ago.

Then, should ever I find out that he’s no longer here, that’s the card that should be sent to you the following year."

She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard. Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached To get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note. Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…

"Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone. I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome.

I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real. Or if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.

The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life. I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need. I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve.

I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears. That is why the roses will be sent to you for years.

When you get these roses, think of all the happiness, That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.

I have always loved you and I know I always will. But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still.

Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days. I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.

The roses will come every year, and they will only stop, When your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out. But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt

To take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him. and place the roses where we are, together once again.

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend; Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.

Someone who makes you laugh until you can’t stop; Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

helpdesk

August 8, 2006

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What’s a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What’s a monitor?"

"It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?"

"I don’t know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall."

"…….Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"…….Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can’t reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in  from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can’t."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there’s a power outage."

"A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I’m afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer."

actual medical chart notes

1.       Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2.       Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3.       On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4.       The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5.       Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

6.       Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

7.       The patient refused autopsy.

8.       The patient has no previous history of suicides.

9.       Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

10.    Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

11.    She is numb from her toes down.

12.    Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

13.    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

14.    Skin: somewhat pale but present.

15.    The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Answering Machines

August 3, 2006

This is fun..Just wan to share this … 

These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

1. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I’ll call sooner!

8. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

12. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave a message.

How to Control Your Emotion

August 2, 2006

GUYS, FEW EFFECTIVE TIPS ON CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS……..

HOW TO CONTROL EMOTIONS

This  would  give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half,   friends,  office mates  and  all  the  people  around  you, especially  your "boss". The rules of practicing  "ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya" :

#1  Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna. 

#2  Walang  taong  nag-aaway  mag-isa.  Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa inyo. 

#3 Ang taong galit, ‘bingi.’ If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so,  don’t try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya. 

#4  Ang  taong  galit, ‘abnoy.’ Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? because the Lord  said  when  He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa."  Modern  term  for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get  angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy. 

You  should  also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewel, because you need them for you to mature.  Hangga’t andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa.  God  will  not take away those people; it’s for you to take away your bad  feelings towards them.  You’ll  know  na  mature  ka  na  pag  dumating ‘yung time na hindi ka na  naiinis  sa  mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to  have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person,  "I  will  grow  mature,"  and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD. 

August 1, 2006

Funny Engrish

Here is a collection of strange signs that you may enjoy sharing with your students-with appropriate explanations! You can use them in various ways, for example asking just what is wrong or getting students to correct them.

Private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

Hotel bedroom, Japan:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Doctor’s surgery, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Hotel airconditioner instructions, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Zoo, Hungary:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Resaurant, Nairobi:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

Men’s lavatory, Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

Poster:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

Automatic hand dryer in public lavatory:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

Maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

Cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Restaurant menu, Switzerland:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Bar, Tokyo:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Temple, Bangkok:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Hotel bedroom, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel bedroom, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Hotel, Moscow (opposite Russian Orthodox monastery):
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

From the Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

Newspaper, East Africa:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Black Forest, Germany:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED

Laundry, Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Hotel bedroom, Moscow:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Dentist’s advertisement, Hong Kong:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.