Bright
November 10, 2005A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed totake the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”
Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Harry: “Pockets.”
Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants”
Ms Brooks: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the sixth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.”
Solution to Hijacking
Dear Sirs,
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and
at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at
naked women we should replace all of our female flight
attendants with strippers.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a
naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry
would have record sales.
Why didn’t Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Mais Con Todo
Mugbo nga pasiaw - ang makasabot, maayo. ang dili, labing maayo!
Jeep puno kaayo ug karga na-flat ang ligid.
Lalaki ngadto sa drayber: noy, flat lagi na imong ligid!
Drayber: natural ra na dong, bug-at gud ug karga. flat gani nang imong ilong nga kugmo ray gidala!
Teacher : Class use euthanasia in a sentence.
Jose : Mam si maria dili na virgin kay naeuthan na sia
I thought I was sad until i saw a man without both arms shaking his shoulders happily I asked why he’s happy.
He replied “Dili ko hapi! Katol akong itlog dili nako makalot!
Pasyente: Dok, ngano man ni nga kong malibang ko naa may plima?
Doktor:Ok lang na sya. Ang delikado kong inig sikma nimo naay tae!
GF: Lab, gutom ko
BF: unsa man imo gusto?
GF: tagnaa!
BF:burger?
GF: layo ra!
BF: hotdog?
GF: duol na!
BF: itlog?
GF: hapit na!
BF: otan?
GF: makalagot! wrong spelling!
Manag-uyab nagkuyog sulod sa sinehan.
babaye: lab, lihok kaayo akong tapad.
lalaki: ah…pasagdahi lang na.
babaye: pero lab, murag nag lolo man ni siya.
lalaki: hah? balhin tag lingkod.
babaye: kadali lang lab, gigamit pa ako kamot!
Anak: Nay, nay, gidugo na lagi ko o.
Inahan: Aber, unsa may kolor kuno.
Anak: Mora man ug brown Nay?
Inahan: Uy paghilom kang bayota ka! Hala panghugas kay igit na.
Pedro: Ma si Ate gigakos iyang uyab!
Mama: Ok ra na dong oy!
Pedro: Gikissan ma!
Mama: Ok ra gihapon na.
Pedro: Gi komot totoy ma!
Mama: Ok ra lagi na.
Pedro: Hala! gi finger ma!
Mama: Piste! naay otin dili gamiton!
Wife: Paliti kog bra ga bi.
Bana: Ka gamay nimog totoy mag bra paka?
Wife: ikaw lagi magbrief gamay man kag otin!?
TAWO: Padre, nganong naa man ka’y daghang hinayhay nga bra, panty, ug blouses? Naa ka’y asawa?
PARI: Sus! Kung ang inyong limos ug amot ra ang akong
saligan, dili ko mabuhi. Nanglabada ko no?!?!
DRIVER: Noy, i-atras nako ang jeep. Ingna ko palihug
kung mabangga.
MANOY: Oki! Sige, atras! Atras pa…sige pa! Atras
gyud! Kana!
*CrRaAaSsHh!*
MANOY: Oki, bangga na!
A couple fighting:
HUSBAND: Animal ka!
WIFE: Hayop ka!
HUSBAND: Satanas!
WIFE: Panuway ka!
HUSBAND: Peste ka!
WIFE: Bwisit ka!
HUSBAND: Punyeta ka!
WIFE: Boang ka!
HUSBAND: Leche ka!
WIFE: Pisot!
HUSBAND: Ah, wa’y tinud-anay.
Kostomer: tagpila mani imo pitaka?
Tindero: tag 900 day!
Kostomer: Ngano mahal man? sa pikas tag 300 lang!
Tindero: Panit mani sa kinatawo sa laki ang gigamit
ani day, madugay hikap-hikap modako mahimong maleta.
HAMBOG
Namisita si Barok ni Inday:
BAROK: Day, dunggaba kining akong dughan aron imong
makita unsa kadako akong pag higugma nimo.
INDAY: Kahambog!…wala gani ka patuli kay sakit,
padunggab hinuon…
GF: Sweet, nganong lami kaman modala, mora ug may
bulitas ang imong kuan?
BF: Dili man ni bulitas Day oy!
GF: Unsa man diay na?
BF: Kalunggo!
Rapist: Hala cge hubo..!!!!
Babaye: Dili ko! Kay gidugo ko..!!
Rapist: Hala Talikod!!
Babaye: Ayaw malooy ka.!!!…. gi almoranas ko..
Rapist: Liste….hala nganga ayaw ko ingna na gi
tonsil ka..!!!
Duha ka langaw nagtung2x babaw sa tae
Langaw1: Taysa kadali ngutot sa ko! uh! dah!
Langaw2: Oplok jud!.. Pagka way batasan! kita na
siyang nanga-on pata!
Amaw
TATAY: Anak, paliti ko ug soft drink.
ANAK: Coke or Pepsi?
TATAY: Coke.
ANAK: Diet or regular?
TATAY: Regular.
ANAK: Botelya or can?
TATAY: Botelya
ANAK: 8 oz or litro?
TATAY: Leche! Tubig na lang.
ANAK: Mineral, distilled or purified?
LALAKE: Miss, papalita ko ug condom.
TINDERA: Ali dong, atong isukod.
LALAKE: Miss, nganong lu-ag man ni?
TINDERA: Wa diay ka kahibaw mao nay uso karon? HIPHOP!
This is my belief Homie!!!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid R12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Mastercard Wedding
You gotta love this guy…..
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F— you!”. Then he turned to his bride and said, “F— you!”. Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.”
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends…………………..$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion……………………………………$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui………………………………$8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man…………………………………………………………………………………………………….Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD
Moving on…
bad, but you are still resentful and angry
(you let the devil leave his bags).
You got out of financial debt, but you still can’t
control the desire to spend on frivolous things
(you let the devil leave his bags).
long to try it just one more time
(you let the devil leave his bags).
and have peace with that person
(you let the devil leave his bags).
over, but you still continue to call
(you let the devil leave his bags)
you’re still trying to sabotage the company after
you’ve left (you let the devil leave his bags).
but you still lust after him/her
(you let the devil leave his bags).
abusive person, but you are suspicious and
distrusting of every new person you meet
(you let the devil leave his bags).
growing up in an unstable family environment, yet
you believe you are unworthy of love from others
and you refuse to get attached to anyone
(you let the devil leave his bags).
takes his bags.
Marites’ Super Adventure
November 9, 2005Back in 4th week of November 2004, one of our trainers who was a bit jolog (hehehe, joke lang Sanqui!) showed us this movie clip. Mr. Rex about MARITES and The SUPER FRIENDS. It was a blast!
The story is about a maid who applied for a job in the US. She got a saying that some people are interested in her. So she prepared herself, and at the appointed time, went outside her house. She was so surprised when she saw Wonder Woman flying (flying?) while appearing seated! So she was using her invisible jet. No wonder! Her invisible jet landed on Marites’ chickens. A bit gross but highly entertaining!
There were also a lot of goofs about the Super Friends like Batman being gay (molesting Robin), Aquaman (who doesn’t have powers when outside the water, so Marites put him in a child’s pool), Superman (who uses his X-ray to see through Marites’ clothes), and the other, forgot their names, sorry!
Just click on the link, and you’ll see the funny stuff! ^_^ Enjoy!
Soledad - Westlife
If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There’s an image of your face
And once again I come I’ll relise
You’re a loss I can’t replace
Soledad
It’s a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory live on
Why did you leave me
Soledad
Walking down the streets of nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can’t believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I can’t still the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name
Soledad
It’s a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory live on
Why did you leave me
Soledad
Time will never change the things you tols me
After all we’re meant to be love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see
Soledad
It’s a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory live on
Why did you leave me
Soledad
Infidelity
November 6, 2005Main Entry: in·fi·del·i·ty 
Pronunciation: “in-f&-’de-l&-tE, -(”)fI-
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
1 : lack of belief in a religion
2 a : unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : DISLOYALTY b : marital unfaithfulness or an instance of it
What am I feeling? I thought I’m prepared for the worst, but…
…is this right?
Knowing that you’re right doesn’t necessarily mean that you’d
feel good about being right.
Sometimes, I curse this so called “gift” that was given to me. You may call it intuition, you may call it sixth-sense, you may even call it “chance”, or “luck”. But, still, it doesn’t change the fact that what you prophesized was right.
Am I hurt? Or am I ready to take on the truth?
Impossible to Please
November 4, 2005A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you should stay there and you cannot go back. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: ”All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: ”All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: ”All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: ”There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
I AGREE… from a man!
Hero - Chad Kroeger (feat. Josey Scott)
I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven…no, heaven don’t hear me
And they say
That a hero could save us
I’m not gonna stand here and wait
I’ll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came
And they say
That a hero could save us
I’m not gonna stand here and wait
I’ll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Now that the world isn’t ending
It’s love that I’m sending to you
It isn’t the love of a hero
And that’s why I fear it won’t do
And they say
That a hero could save us
I’m not gonna stand here and wait
I’ll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
[Repeat 3x]
And they’re watching us
They’re watching us
As we all fly away
Numb (Encore) - Linkin Park feat. Jay-Z
Thank you, thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind
Now can I get an encore, do you want more
Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boy
So for one last time I need y’all to roar
Now what the hell are you waitin for
After me, there shall be no more
So for one last time, nigga make some noise
Get em Jay
Who you know fresher than Hov’? Riddle me that
The rest of y’all know where I’m lyrically at
Can’t none of y’all mirror me back
Yeah hearin me rap is like hearin G. Rap in his prime
I’m, young H.O., rap’s Grateful Dead
Back to take over the globe, now break bread
I’m in, Boeing jets, Global Express
Out the country but the blueberry still connect
On the low but the yacht got a triple deck
But when you Young, what the fuck you expect? Yep, yep
Grand openin, grand closin
God damn your man Hov’ cracked the can open again
Who you gon’ find doper than him with no pen
just draw off inspiration
Soon you gon’ see you can’t replace him
with cheap imitations for DESE GENERATIONS
Now can I get an encore, do you want more
Cookin raw with the Brooklyn boy
So for one last time I need y’all to roar
Now what the hell are you waitin for
After me, there shall be no more
So for one last time, nigga make some noise
What the hell are you waiting for
[sighs] Look what you made me do, look what I made for you
Knew if I paid my dues, how will they pay you
When you first come in the game, they try to play you
Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you
From Marcy to Madison Square
To the only thing that matters in just a matter of years (yea)
As fate would have it, Jay’s status appears
to be at an all-time high, perfect time to say goodbye
When I come back like Jordan, wearin the 4-5
It ain’t to play games witchu
It’s to aim at you, probably maim you
If I owe you I’m blowin you to smithereeens
Cocksucker take one for your team
And I need you to remember one thing (one thing)
I came, I saw, I conquered
From record sales, to sold out concerts
So muh’fucker if you want this encore
I need you to scream, ’til your lungs get sore
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I’ve become so numb
Can I get an encore, do you want more (more…)
I’ve become so numb
So for one last time I need y’all to roar
One last time I need y’all to roar
We Are - Ana
See the devil on the doorstep now (my oh my)
Telling everybody oh just how to live their lives
Sliding down the information highway
Buying in just like a bunch of fools
Time is ticking and we can’t go back (my oh my)
What about the world today
What about the place that we call home
We’ve never been so many
And we’ve never been so alone
(Chorus)
You keep watching from your picket fence
You keep talking but it makes no sense
You say we’re not responsible
But we are, we are
You wash your hands and come out clean
Fail to recognise the enemies within
You say we’re not responsible
But we are, we are, we are, we are
One step forward making two steps back (my oh my)
Riding piggy on the bad boys back for life
Lining up for the grand illusion
No answers for no questions asked
Lining up for the execution
Without knowing why
(Chorus)
It’s all about power then
Take control
Breaking the rule
Breaking the soul
They suck us dry till there’s nothing left
My oh my, my oh my
What about the world today
What about the place that we call home
We’ ve never been so many
And we’ve never been so alone…. so alone
(Chorus)
It’s all about power then (we are)
Take control (we are)
Breaking the rule (we are, we are)
Breaking the soul (we are)
They suck us dry till there’s nothing left (we are, we are)
My oh my, my oh my
We are
We are (its all )
We are
We are, we are (take control)
We are
We are
It’s all about power
Then take control
